Reflect

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  1. tree dark smalltree white small

     

    Change can be messy and ugly…

     

    I have been watching the eucalyptus tree here, at the centre of Dragonfly House in Spain, shed her bark. Big layers of old skin, weathered and worn, peeling off to the ground. She has been doing this for months. 

     

    It has been a daily reminder for me that while we are going through a transformation it isn’t always pretty. Our deepest scars are exposed. Those outside us who don’t understand what we are doing think there is something wrong. It takes time, it takes commitment. She takes her strength from the wind, rain and sun. She stands alone, finding strength.

     

    And yet the beauty she always hid emerges, a beautiful, vulnerable self. More pure than she has ever been, showing the world exactly what she was hiding all along. And everyone that sees her comments how beautiful she now is. This cycle of transformation is nearly done, the old ways of being cast aside to the wind. But there are scars that remain. The battle is not yet entirely won, but in her defiance she shines. She is now unafraid to be who she really is. And the scars that remain she will face in time.

     

    Keep going my brave warrioresses, every layer you shed, is one you no longer needed to carry.

     

    Just take your time and know your inner beauty cannot be denied.

     

    You can do this beautiful souls.

     

  2. you have to stand in the dark to see the stars

     

    You have to be standing in the dark to see the stars

     

    Cheesy as this phrase is, I love it! It was the first spiritual words anyone ever said to me that I recall. At the time I was 29 and making the decision to leave a 10-year relationship that on the outside looked perfect. On the inside I felt dead. Like I was living in a play of what life should be none of it resonating with any fibre of who I really was. I felt alone and worse knew if I stayed, I would be trapped for the rest of my life unable to break out of the perfect couple myth I was feeding myself and the world. 

     

    And so, I made it real, I stepped into the dark. I left, with nowhere to go. Friends and family called me stupid for doing so.

     

    I would love to say that by being brave and leaving life got better quickly…but the truth is I searched around in the dark for many years.

     

    Things got far worse before they got better.

     

    I tried to find myself in fancy jobs with travel but only found sugar Daddy’s that made me feel more worthless and alone. It wasn’t until I got really comfortable in the dark, with my own darkness, with my addictions to sugar, alcohol, sex and nicotine, when I thought the darkness had taken all of me, when I really believed there was no point going on because I was just a bad person through and through, that I had sold my sold to the devil through every wrong thing I had done, that was when a tiny thought stood up and said “enough, I see you for what you are but that is not all that you are”. 

     

    And a star appeared. My faith in me.

     

    I was afraid at first, I had been in the dark so long. How could I dare believe I was enough. I found some external light in yoga. And more light from within when I accepted my real feelings of anger, shame, abandonment and rage. Once I fully realised who I really was, the bad and the good, the manipulator and the achiever, the abuser and the lover, the bitch and the unconditional friend, I understood how I had created the world around me just so I could really see who I truly was, and also see the depths I would go to fill the gaping hole inside of my heart instead of simply loving all of who I was.

     

    I had walked deeper and deeper into my pitch-black night, to find my own edge. A place where it was either game over or go in. I began to look for more stars, things I could chart my new existence with, and I began to build my life as I wanted it this time. Yoga, honest friendships with people willing to challenge me, meditation, whole foods, people that I belly laugh with, who understand how good a hug can feel, with nature, with my fur kids, with no right or wrong, in flow and in the sunshine.

     

    The reason I tell you this is because I stood in my darkness knowingly for more than a decade. I know how afraid of who you are a person can be. Especially when you are an aware person, we can judge ourselves even more harshly. So, if you feel like you are standing in the dark right now, if you feel alone and lost, hang in there and if you can be brave, go deeper. Get to know your own darkness, understand who it makes you and how it makes you powerful. Befriend your demons so when they raise their heads you recognise them and know how to stand them down.

     

    And why would you go there? Because our human truth is that it is only when we can accept our darkness, as well as our light, completely, can we find that stars that will bring us home.

     

    If you want to share your truth, your darkness, your stars I am listening.

     

    With love,

     

    Helen xxx

  3. Are you enjoying the ride? small

     

    Are you enjoying the ride?

     

    Life can feel a bit like a roller coaster at times. It doesn’t matter how prepared you are, how focused you are on being happy, whether you are living your dream, how often you meditate, how pumped your motivation is…the ups and downs come to us all.

     

    Recently I rode through a big dip myself. Ten years ago, I would have had my hands over my eyes and been asking myself “why is this happening to me?’

     

    This time it was different.

     

    Why?

     

    1. Because I know it never lasts, it is simply an experience. The only thing constant on life’s roller coaster is change and I am totally cool with that, in fact I freaking love it!
    2. I understand the sooner I fully accept what is happening, why I have created the situation, what my soul wants me to learn from it and take the action I need to the energy shifts. No longer am I hanging on for dear life but am enjoying the ride again.
    3. I am content to go into a dip. I know sometimes you have got to go right down to get to experience the next high. I observe and explore the lows; I watch myself, my patterns, my habits, and I track how crap they can quickly make me feel. I look for what I haven’t seen in myself before and when I see it, I figure out what new level of responsibility I get to take. And I take it. I know the challenge to see myself more clearly will propel me into a new awesome direction.
    4. I know where my mind can lead me when I get afraid and anxious, feel like I am out of control and unsure where I am headed… I spot the red flag thoughts and keep myself within the guardrails and hands within the car at all times!
    5. I am surrendered into the amazing journey my soul and God have in store for me and I totally trust the track they have laid out for me as the one that will bring me the greatest growth. My job is to keep leaning in, to keep going deeper and uncovering more, taking in the new views and perspectives as they are shown to me and be grateful for every twist and turn.
    6. I get excited when the ride gets interesting, fast and crazy… yes it means using my tools to stay balanced, and it tests me to be effective – when you have got less time what do you prioritize? For me, always basic selfcare, food, sleep, yoga, meditation and when things get tough, 10 minutes is an awesome achievement and pizza for dinner counts as a win today because I still prioritized what I need under pressure. And tomorrow, I get the chance to do even better.  
    7. I am not hard on myself if I get thrown around a little. It means I have reached a new level, I am learning something new, as the stakes get higher, so do the gains. I know I am levelling up. I don’t want to be perfect I want to be alive, enjoying the ride – hands up and smiling at the camera as I pass.
    8. I know this ride will end one day; I am grateful I bought a ticket.

     

    Let me know how your ride is right now…I would love to hear how you navigate the highs and lows!

  4. Do you ever feel like you are going in circles? spiral

    Have you ever felt like you are going in circles?

     

    Healing can sometimes feel like we are going around and around over the same ground and not getting anywhere. The same issue crops up over and over, perhaps it is abandonment, fear of failing, maybe an addiction creeps back in. Seeing the same issue again can make you feel like you are getting nowhere fast and can be frustrating, or worse make you want to give up.

     

    But here is the thing…

     

    Life is cyclical.

     

    Nature is cyclical.

     

    From birth to death, sunrise to sunset, from spring to winter, the cycles are there plain as day. Within your body, your hormones, your hunger, your sleep are all on a cycle. So why do we believe that somehow, we are a separate from this balanced pattern and flow of life?

     

    Take the seasons as an example, do we get frustrated when winter comes again? Well maybe we do, if we haven’t learned all we need to yet about how to handle winter, but each time it comes around we have learned a little bit more. We remember to put gloves in our pockets, warm socks on radiators, eat warming foods and take hot baths so we stay warm to the core. And every winter is different, they each teach us something new about ourselves, sometimes it snows, and we get unexpected days off to play, sometimes it is wet and warmer and it doesn’t feel so harsh.

     

    And in that awareness we are in a cycle, that knowledge that all things come around again, is where we can free ourselves to really heal, to head into our winters with great awareness so we can really enjoy them this time around, a chance to show ourselves just how far we have come.

     

    If your core wound is abandonment say, know on a reasonably regular basis something along those lines will pop up for you, even if it is just an echo, your ego, your inner child will recognise it and potentially be triggered.

     

    And here is the gift as you heal, not only do you recognise it, you know how you tend to respond and can chose something else. And bingo your experience of abandonment, of your own personal winter changes. From one of being alone and cold, to one feeling loved and warm.

     

    It is still winter but what you have done, how you reacted, is completely different. And so, your experience, your attachment, your understanding is forever changed. And that is growth.

     

    So, if you are feeling in a spin, caught in a loop you don’t seem to be able to get out of, take a moment to centre yourself and know things always come around again for another pass and with what you learned this time it will be easier for you next.

     

    Note the lessons, commit to being different next time and remember it is not what happens that matters but how you react. And that is entirely your choice every time.

     

    Sending love to all you brave souls. I would love to hear how you have begun to embrace the layers of healing you get to walk through.

  5. Do you ever feel afraid of feeling your emotions fully

    Do you ever feel overwhelmed by or afraid of your feelings?

     

    For a large part of my adult life, I genuinely believed I had no emotions whatsoever.

     

    I had no reactions to anything, no anger, no tears, I was completely calm amidst the chaos.

     

    What I hadn’t realised was I had completely blocked out all my feelings.

     

    For many reasons that I didn’t want to look at.

     

    Underneath my calm exterior I was terrified if I allowed myself to feel anything my life would disintegrate. I would fall apart and never find my way out.

     

    I was afraid my feelings of sadness, pain, loss, grief, anger, betrayal, hatred even, would overcome me, that I would lose my mind, my sanity and simply end up dropping out, not be able to work and from there it would spiral. I would become an irrational dramatic mess, with no friends, no job, no home, no life.

     

    So, I kept a really tight lid on that box, there was no way ANY of these feelings were getting out ever.

     

    The trouble with that is it is a lot of energy, emotion, energy in motion, to contain everyday. When we block the movement of energy inside, hold it in and deny it, our bodies are left to deal with it.

     

    And our bodies deal with any emotions we leave in them in different ways – some insulate and get fat, some starve to starve the feelings, some get sick in an effort to process it, others push it out to the surface through rashes and spots, some go into pain trying to attract our attention as to where that energy is stuck.

     

    Our bodies literally start to yell at us “Hey you, I can’t handle this on my own, I need your help to get it out, you are giving me too much to hold!!!”

     

    If we are lucky, we notice and start to do something.

     

    It took me 15 years to notice what my body was shouting at me. By that stage I was obese, with chronic back and knee pain. And nothing I did on a physical level really made it any better.

     

    Old energy, the feelings I had stuffed down, would attach to any feelings I did have in the moment, in a desperate attempt to get out that old anger would attach to any little bit of irritation I felt, and my responses would be horribly out of proportion to the situation. The slightest little thing, someone driving less than perfectly on the same road as me, and I would feel fury rising. I was leaking all the emotional pain I had chosen not to deal with.

     

    I realised I couldn’t hold in the tears and rage anymore. It took a while of being brave and allowing some of those emotions to surface. I used a journal, I spoke to friends sensitive enough not to judge.

     

    I had made a start but the tsunami was still within.

     

    I used to tell myself over and over again. “I am strong enough to feel this feeling fully”. I took flower remedy’s to surface deep feelings as I got braver and researched emotions as much as I could.

     

    A light came on that I had been denying one of my superpowers all this time.

     

    My feelings weren’t enemies to be fought, but allies in life.

     

    My anger was my guardian at my gates, telling me when my boundaries were being pushed.

     

    My sadness was my signal to wash away the pain, to cleanse, let go and begin again.

     

    My jealousy would show me what I truly wanted and desired to be.

     

    My grief would lead me to great transformation as I buried the old to make way for the new.

     

    And the deeper I went into my own feelings and danced with them I learned they don’t last long when you feel them fully and truthfully. Literally if you go deep they are out in a few minutes.

     

    Once expressed the energy of emotion simply moves on. And so can you.

     

    I learned that by holding my own emotions so carefully, I could enable others to do the same. It allowed me to understand and empathise, deeply, for the first time.

     

    Emotion is a gift; it is the way we connect as humans, to ourselves, to others and to the energies all around us we can sense in any other way.

     

    Without emotions we are not living.

     

    Denying emotions is like denying life.

     

    So today I invite you, wherever you are on your emotional journey to breathe deep, let the breath flow, there is no need to hold anything in anymore and allow what is ever there to be felt to emerge.

     

    Know you are strong enough. Know you can ride your own feelings. And overtime you will become an expert surfer of your own deep sea of feeling.

     

    Know that you are giving yourself a great gift – the gift of truly feeling the sweetness and depth of life itself.

     

    Let me know what you feel, I would love to hear.

     

    Helen xxx