If you have ever felt different from the people around you, like an outsider, unsafe even because you don’t fit in, you are definitely not alone. As a result, many people spend their lives unconsciously searching for a real connection, looking for a deep sense of belonging. Maybe you’ve done this by getting into a relationship you know isn’t good for you, changing your hair, clothes, lifestyle, hanging around people you want to be more like, by moving house, or city or even country, desperately trying to connect to something, someone, so you can finally feel that you really belong…

Knowing we belong is a deep-rooted innate need within us.

The mistake we make is that we are looking outside of us for something that can only ever be found within. It is part of the trap the matrix has us I bought into. It makes us consume more, want more, feel discontentment with who we are and what we have, which in turn keeps us in feelings of isolation, not being good enough, not having enough, frustration, resentment and loneliness. The trick is to recognize that belonging can never come from outside of us, it does not come from a place, person or thing although at times these can substitute for a while. The single truth of life is that change is constant, so relying on something outside of us that in the end is bound to change for our sense of belonging will fail in the end.

Let me guide you for a moment and show you the doorway to belonging…

Take a deep breath in.

Take a few deep breaths in.

Every time you breath out relax a little more.

Breathe right down into your belly and close your eyes.

Stay here breathing.

This is the only place you belong.

Inside of you is your home. And it can feel scary, when we don’t trust ourselves, when we aren’t comfortable in our own skin, when we dislike something about our character or parts of our body, when our thoughts are hurtful to us, when we have been hurt, abused, rejected, felt unloved and worthless, when we are the last person we want to get to know. The wound we have to heal, the difficulty we have to overcome, is that a long time ago we decided inside us, who we are, wasn’t enough, was wrong.

There are three keys to unlocking a deep meaningful sense of knowing you belong that is unshakeable.

1. Find the answer to the question “who am I?”. Get to know yourself. In my work I often hear people say, “I don’t know who I am” and that is a great place to be. Getting to know yourself, who you are, your gifts, connections, inspirations, what you like and like less is important. This means spending time alone, out from the influence of family, friends and media. Carving sacred time for you. Understanding your emotions, your triggers, your history, your desires. You can do this by meditating, by journaling, practicing yoga or simply sit and look at yourself in the mirror and notice what you notice. Really look at you, look into your eyes and ask yourself any questions yet unanswered. You already know the answers if you can be present with yourself long enough to hear them.

2. Become the parent you always wanted. There will have been at least one moment where you haven’t felt loved and safe. For many of us we were young children when we first felt this, we were weak, small and felt unprotected. Much of our sense of not belonging can come from feeling abandoned in some way as a child because the people we belonged to didn’t keep us safe. Getting to know your inner child is essential to healing and becoming a whole adult. Only when we feel safe with ourselves do we believe we belong unconditionally where we are.

If you haven’t reconnected with the younger you already, try a meditation, close your eyes and imagine somewhere you loved as a child, a happy place and invite your inner child to join you. Let them show up as they need to, they could be any age and may come running for a hug or could hang back scared. Remember they are a part of you that felt abandoned and alone so will need to build trust again and sometimes that can take time. Keeping your promises to yourself, booking in things you liked to do as a child, listening to them, talking to them, writing them a letter, making time for play and fun in your life will bring you closer and once your inner child knows you have got them and they belong with you, you will really feel it too.

3. Connect with the divinity within, cheesy I know! Now this one can be a bit of a leap but in the end to feel safe in your belonging here on earth you have to know you have God with you and within you.  Take a look at something you admire in nature and realize that God thought one of you was exactly what they earth needed right now as well. You are unique, there has been and never will be anyone that entered via the portal you did at the exact time and place you did. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, far from it but you do have to be real. Real in your emotions, in your expression, in your actions. Be you and recognize the part of you that is perfectly imperfect.  

When you realize you have always been wanted just as you are, loved for everything you have done, and haven’t done, that you are worthy, that you are enough… you will know you belong here. And your search will be over. You made it home. You belong.

Do you ever feeling like the same thing is coming up over and over again and you just don’t seem to be changing or making progress?

 When we get conscious and realise we have some work to do, to learn to love ourselves, to heal all those things we have felt hurt by in life, it can be really frustrating when we seem to make the same mistakes again and again. Perhaps you fall into the same conversation with your partner or kids, play the same pattern of behaviour out, maybe you act like the victim, avoid your responsibility in creating a situation, procrastinate… believe me it is totally normal!

However, awareness of what you are doing and that by being responsible you can change things is a massive change of perspective in itself. To then think from that moment on, when the light comes on for you, you are going to be a completely changed person is often what we believe will happen, and why we always feel like we fall a little short.

I have been a change manager and business psychologist for huge global organisations for over 20 years. And the one thing I know is that change ain’t easy! Whether you are changing the behaviour of one person or thousands it takes an alchemists mix of desire, consistency, focus, clarity, vision, belief, effort and ultimately love to make it work.

There are of course things you can do that make it possible and there are times where we are forced to change, just like our world showed us recently that in a funny way make it easier because we have no choice. So how can you make it a little easier for yourself? 

1. Focus on the masculine structural aspects of making that change happen:

• Get clear on what you want and why. Write your vision and what you will see, hear, and experience when you get there.
• List the benefits of you doing this and all the things that may block you, come up with a response for each.
• Write down your goals and the actions you are going to take to achieve it.
• Break the steps down in to manageable steps, have something you can do every day, so you feel like you are progressing
• Reward yourself for getting on track and staying on track
• Monitor your progress, track visibly the changes you make so you can see them. 

2. Flow with the feminine aspects of embracing change:

• Be clear how you want to feel, what you will notice when you have grown.
• Call in support, from family, friends and from the spirit world. Know you don’t have to do this alone.
• Trust yourself and that the process of change is not linear, you will make mistakes, and go backwards but find the wisdom to be kind to yourself and it will set you back on course more quickly.
• Allow for miracles and magic, for rest, play, peace and love. Embrace who you are becoming.
• Grieve what you are losing, there is always something we must let go of to make space for the new. Get comfortable in the in between place.
• Recognise your emotions have as much to do with change as do your actions, breathe into them allow them, welcome them and let them show you what you are not seeing.
• Connect to your inner child and higher self, let them show you the wounds and how to heal them, be patient.
• Allow the ancient wisdom of your ancestors, of great teachers, poets, writers and musicians to support your understanding and energy.
• Nourish yourself, love yourself, this is a life not a race. Appreciate the lessons on the way, these are the gold we collect not the medal at the end.

Transformation is possible but it requires you to light a fire within, tap into an immediate burning need, a determination of unwavering clarity within which no doubt can exist. But once the fire of needing to change is burned through it is the feminine that will grow fruit from the ashes, it is that incremental knowing that will sustain you for a lifetime.

Change is messy because we are most divine creations ever envisioned, we are complex webs of conscious and unconscious. And that is perfect.

I would love to hear how your own transformations are going and whether you believe you are balancing both the masculine drive and feminine flow of change? Tell me what you need more of to get to where you want to go.