You have to be standing in the dark to see the stars
Cheesy as this phrase is, I love it! It was the first spiritual words anyone ever said to me that I recall. At the time I was 29 and making the decision to leave a 10-year relationship that on the outside looked perfect. On the inside I felt dead. Like I was living in a play of what life should be none of it resonating with any fibre of who I really was. I felt alone and worse knew if I stayed, I would be trapped for the rest of my life unable to break out of the perfect couple myth I was feeding myself and the world.
And so, I made it real, I stepped into the dark. I left, with nowhere to go. Friends and family called me stupid for doing so.
I would love to say that by being brave and leaving life got better quickly…but the truth is I searched around in the dark for many years.
Things got far worse before they got better.
I tried to find myself in fancy jobs with travel but only found sugar Daddy’s that made me feel more worthless and alone. It wasn’t until I got really comfortable in the dark, with my own darkness, with my addictions to sugar, alcohol, sex and nicotine, when I thought the darkness had taken all of me, when I really believed there was no point going on because I was just a bad person through and through, that I had sold my sold to the devil through every wrong thing I had done, that was when a tiny thought stood up and said “enough, I see you for what you are but that is not all that you are”.
And a star appeared. My faith in me.
I was afraid at first, I had been in the dark so long. How could I dare believe I was enough. I found some external light in yoga. And more light from within when I accepted my real feelings of anger, shame, abandonment and rage. Once I fully realised who I really was, the bad and the good, the manipulator and the achiever, the abuser and the lover, the bitch and the unconditional friend, I understood how I had created the world around me just so I could really see who I truly was, and also see the depths I would go to fill the gaping hole inside of my heart instead of simply loving all of who I was.
I had walked deeper and deeper into my pitch-black night, to find my own edge. A place where it was either game over or go in. I began to look for more stars, things I could chart my new existence with, and I began to build my life as I wanted it this time. Yoga, honest friendships with people willing to challenge me, meditation, whole foods, people that I belly laugh with, who understand how good a hug can feel, with nature, with my fur kids, with no right or wrong, in flow and in the sunshine.
The reason I tell you this is because I stood in my darkness knowingly for more than a decade. I know how afraid of who you are a person can be. Especially when you are an aware person, we can judge ourselves even more harshly. So, if you feel like you are standing in the dark right now, if you feel alone and lost, hang in there and if you can be brave, go deeper. Get to know your own darkness, understand who it makes you and how it makes you powerful. Befriend your demons so when they raise their heads you recognise them and know how to stand them down.
And why would you go there? Because our human truth is that it is only when we can accept our darkness, as well as our light, completely, can we find that stars that will bring us home.
If you want to share your truth, your darkness, your stars I am listening.